Christian Responsibilities · Marriage and Family · Sin

Taking Up My Cross

I danced with the devil 21 years ago when I met my 2nd husband, only I didn’t know he was the devil because he presented himself as an angel of light to me.  (Ah to be blind, young, and naive again).  I had a child with this man.  He since left me for another woman after 8 years of marriage and life building and it’s been hell ever since.

I lived my life these last 15 years devoted to my daughter (that I had with him).  I gave up working to homeschool her.  I raised her to love and respect Jesus.  Her homeschool curriculum was based around scripture.  I sacrificed everything for her.  And now I feel it was all for nothing.

In May of this year, she decided she wanted to “be a boy” at 16 years old.  She KNEW how I would react to this; she knew it would hurt me.  She insisted anyway.  She wasn’t “born this way”.  When she was little she wanted pretty little dresses and pretty little shoes and barbies, and all the normal things a little girl wants.  Heck, even right up until the day she made her “decision”, she wore her make up impeccably and was into fashion and wanted to be a beautician.

This is nothing shy of rebellion – rebellion against me, what she had been taught her whole life, against society, and against God.  And it all started when her father started giving her cannabis oil (in secret) “for her depression”.

Remembering Romans 1:26-32, I had to make a choice.  I was not going to choose this over Jesus.  There was no way.  I told her “you can either stay here and be a girl, or you can go stay with your dad as a boy (since he was so condoning of it).”    I made it clear to her WHY I couldn’t condone her choice based on what the bible says.  She knew this because we had discussed it many times before.  She made her choice and that same day, she had packed a bag and the devil was more than willing to quickly come get her and play good cop, making me the bad cop.

My daughter, within a weeks time, decided she wanted to “live” with her father permanently, and wanted me to pack up all her things in which he would come get them.  I tried to tell her that’s not how this works, but she hatefully insisted.  What was I to do?

Since then, both of them have been accusing me of “throwing her out” and “not loving her anymore”.  She hasn’t spoken to me since mid June, has me blocked on everything.  She dyed her hair blue, got it cut really short, is going by the name “Reese”, and is now working at McDonald’s and attending our local public school.  I find these things out from everyone else BUT them.

Last week I was served with a notice to appear in court – (at least now I know where my kid is living).  He wants his child support stopped (understandable), he wants ME to pay HIM child support now, with an additional health insurance add on, AND he wants to remove my parental rights from me.  He stated on the court request that I “packed her bags and told her she was no longer welcome in my home.”

Hello Satan, it’s been a while since I’ve heard from you.  I see you’re still the “father of lies”.

So next week, I’m meeting with an attorney Monday, and heading to court Friday.  Yes, the devil sat on this paperwork since July and had me served with less than 2 weeks to prepare.  God’s got this.

This is a battle for my daughter’s soul.  Yesterday some new revelations came about that show she is now an entirely different person.  She went from loving me so much to now she doesn’t know how she’d feel if I died.  I wrote her a letter and had it passed along to her in school.  It was a loving invitation to let her know we DO love her and miss her and that our door is always open for her.  According to witnesses, she had a complete melt-down, declaring my loving letter as “nasty” and hurtful.  We are all just continually baffled at the nonsense that continues on in this situation.  Hello “author of confusion”.

I have growing health concerns.  I do not “do” this drama stuff very well.  Back in July I was in the ER with a “cardiac event”, racking up near $4,000.00 in bills.  This whole thing has taken its toll on me.

People may not understand this, but you go through a type of “grieving” in a situation like this.  I feel like I’ve lost my youngest daughter.  I don’t know her anymore.  She’s just “gone”.  And sadly, our relationship will NEVER be the same again.  Yeah, I’m grieving.

I have good days, and I have bad ones.  I cry.  I cope.  I pray.  I deal.  I felt like things were calming down until the sheriff showed up at my door handing me that hearing paperwork earlier this week.  I was prepared for it financially and what not because I knew satan wouldn’t let me be still for too long.  It’s never been his forte.  He’s been a bully, and attempted intimidator and instigator in my life since he decided to have that affair and split up our family.  Just a worthless shell of a man.  Mind you, this pattern of deception and breaking hearts and shattering lives has continued on with other women since we’ve split.  Let’s just say, he has issues.

As I continually prepare for court, I was reminded of Matthew 10 where Jesus tells us He did not come to bring peace, but a sword.  Where He tells us that our enemies will be right in our own households.  Where He adds that we are not to love our family members more than Him.  He says we are to give up our lives FOR HIM.  Take up our crosses FOR HIM.

That is exactly what I’ve been doing.

I have suffered through this event.  I have cried.  I have been in pain.  Emotionally there have been days where I wanted to just run and never look back.  There have been days where I’ve wanted to grab my daughter, shake the nonsense out of her and hold her tight.  And if all that wasn’t bad enough, now I may have to pay this snake for the next 2 years to come, despite all the destruction and damage he’s done to both me and my daughter over the years.

I wish I could just wash my hands of all of it and walk away.  I wish it could all be just a bad memory from the past.  But I must be strong….AGAIN….and take this on.

So I’m bearing my cross, for Jesus.  I’m not giving in to this, despite how much easier it would have been to just accept my daughter’s choices and turn a blind eye to it.  I have to stand with Christ on this one.  Not because I don’t love my daughter, but because I love Jesus more.

We cannot let sin sway us from our love of Christ….no matter WHO is involved.  What my daughter is doing (in regards to “sin”) is no different than her choosing to be a drunk, or a drug user, or a habitual thief, etc.  It’s all sinful rebellion.  And per the verses I stated above – Romans 1 says that if we CONDONE such things, then we partake in them and are also found guilty of them.  I got enough sins of my own, you know?

My daughter is at an age where she CAN make her own choices, and also learn from them.  She has now reached the “age of accountability” and must be held responsible by God for the sins she now chooses for herself.  She will be 17 in January and I have to let her go.  If she and her father wish to demonize me over all this, well then that’s on them.  I KNOW what I’m doing, I KNOW what I’m standing for, and I KNOW what my convictions are.  Do they, I wonder?  My guess is, they just want to be “right” and “win”.  Someone tell them there’s no winning in this.

Please pray for us as this week winds down and we approach this next week of chaos, expense, emotions of uncertainty and wondering.  And pray that I don’t bring my Lucille bat to the hearing and give a little whack to the Demon of my past.  Right in the kisser.  Or over the head.  No I’m kidding….but seriously, the Lord KNOWS how much I HATE being in the presence of the (cough, choke) father (cough, choke) of my child.  Can’t I just have court without him present?  That would be greaaat…..yeahhhhh…..

Thanks for listening.

Peace to you all, today and every day.





4 thoughts on “Taking Up My Cross

  1. I am so sorry to hear you are going thru this. But this will only make you stronger in the end. and God willing your daughter will mature and see her mistakes. From experience, in my own family, I know that eventually her father will show his true colours to her and she will see him as he really is. This I truly believe. People cannot hide their true selves forever and he will get comfortable with her and his true colours will shine thru. You are in my prayers.

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